30 things I learned in my 20s
Saturn Returned coded.
I just turned 30 on the 16th, and it wasn't just any birthday it was my 30th birthday!
I thought very differently of this day in my past, a part of me imagined my life very differently which is something I laugh at now, because honestly most lives aren't figured out by 30, now I see that as naive and unnecessary. Also we don't get to appreciate the actual gifts we have by now.
Another part of me now is very grateful, I feel happy that I got to live another decade of my life and I'm happy that I didn't turn 30 feeling like it is an awful age or something that is very dreaded in society now (especially as women) I feel very happy and excited, especially having learned so much during my Saturn Return. It feels like a blessing (as it should!)
So in honor of my 30s here is a list of 30 things I learned in my 20s. Some of them the hard way which is code for ‘when I tried to push it too hard’:
1.- A passport and momentum can change your life overnight
Most of my life- changing moments came after moving to different places (and the night before deciding so). I remember when I got my passport without having no place to go to, but I wanted to have it just in case, and each time I traveled I was so thankful I had made that choice, because they were moments where you already had to have a passport.
2.- Daydreams are a playground, not decision makers
I used to think that if I thought I’d be good at something then it was worth it for me to dedicate my life to it. Now I see that one life is not enough to do everything you wish you could, and even though it sucks sometimes the hype of something gives you many ideas to incorporate on other hobbies or activities you enjoy a lot. Not everything you like has to be a career, and not every idea has to become a thing. Sometimes daydreaming about something can spark your creativity but you don’t always have to fall for the what-ifs.
3.- Relationships only last as much as you decide they will (for better or for worse)
Many friendships I had in my 20s were very fake and in different moments and turns I had in my life, and when there was no bond or they felt like I was not valued for who I was or how inauthentic I was, I’d cut them and I’d noticed how good it felt to have that time for myself back instead of spending time with people who didn’t care about me. However sometimes other relationships that I had a strong bond with and were way more serious turned harder to keep when both of us were going through different paths and we didn’t know how to face certain difficulties together. So when this happened to me, it helped me remember that we had to give each other the chance to be apart and continue different paths despite what we had envisioned. Some relationships (of any kind) fulfill us until a certain point, others teach us about ourselves, others encourages us and others do all three. It was helpful for me to realize that it wasn’t about “meant to be”, but that I could make a choice and live with it instead.
4.- Health matters more than aesthetics
Every time I wanted to exercise and eat better it was for the aesthetics, looking a certain way. It wasn’t until very recently that I realized that I needed to do it because my health depended on it. Aesthetics were damaging because they were not allowing me appreciate my body for what it was and what it was giving me. And it was also ruining my goals of being able to move a certain way due to a surgery I had and to feel good when I ate because I was constantly getting sick from emotional eating and bad habits. Health became the reason I could focus on aesthetics if I wanted to, but not the other way around.
5.- Perfection exists between gratitude and appreciation
Getting things ‘perfect’ made me procrastinate so many times, but I’m reminding myself now that appreciating my life and my actions get me farther than editing constantly. It also helps to shut that little voice in my head criticizing everything that I’m doing.
6.- Don't think based on your possible future, think for present you
Most of my 20s I spent on the constant anxiety of what-ifs about the future, when I wasn’t even going through the scenarios in my head. I was Anxiety in Inside Out.
7.- As much as you have free will, this does not mean you control what comes your way
Choice is not about controlling your life, it’s about trusting you will have your back after whatever decision you make. Everything will be okay as long as you make that next decision.
8.- When you have fun, rumination ceases
Play is my new word in my 30s, the moments of play in my 20s were very little and I could tell it made me more inefficient than productive. Whereas playtime made me enjoy my life, responsibility felt less overwhelming and hard work felt empowering.
9.- Relationships are a type of environment
The people you surround yourself with are like the furniture in your home, they will mostly dictate how you move. When I realized I lacked people in my life I could talk about what I wanted to do in my future, I realized why I felt so stuck. It’s not so much about opportunity (even though this is huge) but about developing certain areas within yourself. Community makes the environment.
10.- Body recovery is only possible when you listen to the fear of change and let it have a role to participate instead of leading
After a difficult recovery with my knee, I realized the fear of moving differently was stopping me from having a different kind of life. However letting myself have space to be scared helped me stay more consistent and realistic.
11.- Pets ground the fuck out of your lack of nourishment
When you realize how you take of your pets who rely on you 100% forever, you start to think about how you show up for yourself.
12.- You are not your past when you’re aware that you can be your future
Looking back made me feel I was still there, but bringing myself to the present and remembering I had the control to make different choices gave me hope about certain habits and patterns in my life.
13.- When people say you’re too much, own up to it and take it as a compliment, in this world of indifference-numbness-disconnection, you dared to feel
I was told by a friend that I was too much or they were overwhelmed talking to me the first few times, and it hurt so much, it made me feel ashamed about myself. But then I remembered how disconnected they were from themselves and why they loved to keep talking to me afterwards. They had abandoned their depth and they were blaming me for their lack of capacity.
14.- Criticism is not the same as good judgement
I grew up with a very opinionated mother that cared a lot about what people thought. She has amazing qualities, but this particular habit of hers hurt me a lot while I was growing up, however, the more I knew about the world it was comforting to see that her opinion was valid but not necessarily true, and that helped me realize that when people criticize you (even with love) it’s only based on their perception and standards and you have the option to take it or not.
15.- 'Action' is what keeps us in the present, 'thinking' keeps us everywhere else.
This is based on an entry I wrote about my anxiety of the future, you can read it here.
16.- Sleeping is only a problem when you don’t take care of what you think while you’re awake
Same, read that full entry here.
17.- Being creative is as much a right, as it is a choice
Most of my life I thought I wasn’t good at anything, and that I wasn’t creative. I had a best friend who was so good at writing and creating things and I would edit what she’d wrote, but I never thought I had my own voice. Since 2020 I’ve been actively writing, especially in 2022, and that taught me that the only person stopping me was me. Being creative was a choice not an extra arm I wasn’t born with.
18.- Baby steps are worth more than extreme actions, but most baby steps are learned after a few extreme adventures
I can take a lot of extreme behaviors when I’m into something, like a diet, or a hobby, etc. but when I suddenly drop it, I’m not able to do it again because I do not have the same motivation anymore, so baby steps are more grounding for me. However, those extreme moments taught so much, they were like bootcamps of interests and I’m still thankful for them. I don’t think I’ll stop having them, but I know that when I want to make everlasting change it has to be slow for me.
19-. When you think someone is a monster look at their social media feed
Some of my mother’s opinions and criticism has come from her preconceived ideas of something, and seeing the content she consumes and how it pushes her to think some things are right and how some things are wrong, it reminded me that I was also judging my mother by thinking she was this whole person of judgment when she was just absorbing a lot of misinformation and that was making her very scared and insensitive at the same time. Social media is a big part of our environment and sometimes it feeds our intolerance and worst traits because we think that’s the whole world.
20.- Receiving is the most underrated act you can do to show someone else you love them
It’s been so hard for me to receive love. Receiving help, accepting compliments, etc. it’s part of letting someone else have a role in your life, and realizing that just saying thank you is enough to show someone else you love them. Actions are so important to me that I forgot that receiving them was just as important. Relying on someone is not the same as co-dependency and that was a big lesson for me.
21.- Pattern recognition won’t heal you if you don’t live new experiences
We are not meant to be healed. Healing is a forever process, we won’t stop healing. I had some time to retrieve which was a huge privilege and it helped analyze my life, but the biggest healing process was getting back into the world and meeting new people and doing new things, that allowed me to know about myself, make new mistakes and learn how to be kind to myself. Sometimes spending so much time avoiding doing something because we need to heal, it’s an excuse because in reality we are scared of what’s going to happen and not wanting to be re-traumatize. But what healing teaches is that we get to learn about ourselves and make different choices and trust how life unfolds as we move.
22.- You can’t change someone’s perception of the world when you don’t accept your perception of that person
There’s so much frustration when I want someone I love to see things the way I see them, it’s like talking to a wall. But when I see how they see it, it helps me connect with them and therefore I don’t take personal their perspective of what we’re talking about and usually this also makes me be more honest about sharing how I feel without having to convince them that I’m right when is not a right or wrong situation.
23.- Spending some time knowing your values will save you tons of regretful choices
Sometimes I didn’t know if something was right for me or not, specially in relationships. But understanding my values helped me immensely, it’s like a compass when I feel lost in decision making.
24.- Being married changes nothing except that everything that is traditional will respect you (like the government, or your mom)
I got married when I was 26. I was so afraid of getting married before, I thought it was this huge change and that there was no way back and it made things more difficult or serious. But it wasn’t. To me, being married changed nothing because I was with the same person, this traditional ceremony people say about marriage seems to be a problem when you want to get marry to fulfill a fantasy instead of just being with the same person you’ve been with, or when you don’t want to accept you don’t want to be with them. When it’s more about a fantasy or what others think than celebrating the union of you and the person you’ll be marrying, it’s gonna be a shock for sure.
Also, it seems that everyone who respects marriage will also respect you and include you in everything now, which is so funny to me.
25.- You can do whatever you want when you remember you can
I found this quote in a sticker that says “When someone says you can’t do something, do more of it” and I remember it often because it reminds me that I can do whatever I want, not to spite people but in spite of what they think. When you grow up in an over controlled household sometimes you forget that you’re a grown up and you can do whatever you want.
26.- Perception transforms any cage into a garden
I’ve looked at some of my expectations as cages before, but then I realized it was my perception the problem which didn’t allow me to be grateful about my circumstances. Perception can change an environment and a situation in a second.
27.- Life is like a blueberry, sometimes the one you get doesn’t turn out like you expected
I love firm and tangy blueberries, I used to think each firm blueberry would taste the same. But it doesn’t, and now I see that life sometimes reminds me of that.
28.- Don't apologize or minimize for your privilege
I’ve been very fortunate in my life, sometimes I’ve been surrounded by people that do not get the same results as me, and I’ve made myself feel guilty for that which would make me behave in weird ways. Sometimes sacrificing my blessings to support others who would not appreciate or use these blessings the same way. Now I see that I had nothing to feel guilty about and to always be grateful for the privilege I have and make good use of it.
29.- When you like things that not many people like, their attitude when you share reveals who they are, not who they think you are
My taste of esoterics is something not many people understand or tolerate, and I’ve noticed how many people who would consider themselves nonjudgmental would treat me when they knew my opinions, specially if they followed a religion. I was raised in a religious environment and the values were crystal clear, humans don’t know it all and there are bigger forces than us. So when I share something and their immediate reaction is rejection, I know I need to detach from their opinions as to not take them personal. Whereas when they are open even if they don’t agree but are kind enough to respect my opinion, I feel it’s okay to spend my time with them.
30.- Respect and intimacy are the building blocks of bonding
These are my two top values, and after reviewing most of my 20s I’ve noticed again and again, that when respecting different points of view and decisions others make and being able to be vulnerable and honest, bonds are created and they are strong to enough to face most storms.
Let’s see what I learn in my 30s.
xoxo, denisse.
